here i am...

wow.
its been a while. i've been really busy doing a whole lot of stuff, like living and loving and working and paying rent. stuff like crying and getting upset and feeling better and feeling worse too, and even some writing haikus and drawing crazy people.

so here i am, in sam's pizza, waiting for lacey to notice me, drinking my purple vitamin water. i have the second worst hangover i've ever had- a slight headache/ slight lack of coordination. i drank two coronas last night and got a bit drunk- thats right, two whole coronas. i drank them really fast and i hadnt eaten.

i dont have internet in my apartment, its just too expensive for right now. maybe in a few months when i get settled in. but for now i'm not going to be posting too much.

i'm done with emily. its over. i really truly think we do not have any sort of relationship aside from ex-novios. she sent me a text message the other night. i want you and now i cant even have you. goddamn, emily. i've been wanting you for two months. as soon as i start to be ok, start something new, you have to do this to me. god damn. she tried to send me an email, but something happened. i didnt get it, and it didnt save back at her end, so maybe thats a good thing. i dont know. she sent me four text messages today regarding the email. god damn. i just want for her to not miss me and not want to hang out with me.

i am seeing a new girl. she's a grown-up. she graduated college, and she's going to have a real job starting next week. she has a car too. i feel better being with her.
i have to go, but i'll fill you in more later.

Haiku-Off

thats right. its a battle to see who can spin the best haiku. i played against liz, with kim as the judge. we were all pretty baked (thanks to the maine outdoor!), and i had been talking about haikus with kim, and came up with the idea of a haiku off. liz and i each got a paper, and kim picked a theme. the first theme was i-have-the-worlds-most-ginormous-piece-of-chocolate-cake-in-the-fridge, with a bonus 530 points if you used derek zoolander's name, and the second theme was maine outdoor, thunderstorms, and sublime, with 640 bonus points awarded for use of sublime lyrics. liz kicked my ass by about a thousand points in each game, but it was ok. i liked my haikus a whole lot. tomorrow i'm going to post them up here (my two and liz's two).

later we got money rabbit out. she hopped around and sniffed stuff (as is her wont), while i tried to draw her. its fun to play with rabbits when you are baked. they just kind of hang out and hop around. theyre just kind of blobs. i got one good sketch in, a perspective drawing, but the other drawing didnt turn out so well. its cause they lay in such a strange way, with their legs sticking out in a way that just doesnt look normal.

i worked with erin earlier. it was kind of strange. at first she ignored me, but then later she was all flirty, like she normally is. i dont know if i like to work with her. i was a little baked at work too, so that might not have helped things. i was really spacey.
i'm probably rambling now, so i'm gonna go.


ps- i will write about my trip to portland, but i'm too tired for now. i'm sure yall have heard parts of it already.

at any given moment, there are anywhere from 2 to 5 girls that i am "in love" with (i feel giddy when i think about them).
i think i am starting to be ok.

a sea of leaves

you showed me a picture
a picture of a sea of leaves
and there we were
right in the middle of it
sitting on our park bench-life boat
surrounded by leaves

and there were others
mostly men in suits
and in the background
a ghostly building
hovers in the grey sky

and then there was music
major minor major minor
major major major major
a c# g b
it flowed
like a river of leaves
it flowed



i love.

fuck!

emily does this thing where shes a bitch to me.
like she gets really fuckin mean.
i used to be able to handle it.
but i dont want to anymore,
i just dont want to talk to her.
i mean i do, i desperately want to talk to her.
but i cant.
shes just gonna be mean
and sarcastic.
i want to talk to her anyway though. i'm not going to tonight.
i just cant go on and talk to her again.
why does she make it so difficult?

i just want to call her and say "fuck you"
good thing i dont get any reception out here.

sleep

i cant sleep anymore
i dont know whats going on
i'm tired
but not that tired
i've been listening to radiohead all night
pretty much since i finished making the padded bag for my bowl.
i think today i will not nap
i will wait until around nine or ten and then go to bed
nice and stoned too,
that should help.

whats going on?

i want emily.
again.
whats wrong with me?
do i really want her or am i making this up to make us both miserable?
why cant everything just go back to the way it was before?

i want to write about my past couple of days
but i really cant right now.
maybe i will in a few hours.
or maybe sleep will come and wash over me
and take me away from all of this
this anger
this sadness

where did my cool inner peace go?
and why did it choose such an unfortunate moment to take its leave?
why am i angry all of a sudden?
i never get angry
this isnt me
this isnt me


i am very excited to see my family
which is funny
cause i never want to see them
i'm excited to be around anything familiar
like mom and dad
and tori and val and sean
and joe beagle


i miss emily
i want her to tell me that she loves me
and that she always will
and that we'll get married
and have four children
and grow old together
whilst we sit
and just watch the world go by
we'll be content just to watch the world go by
and not participate
cause we will be old
and it will be good


i miss emily

thievery

i stole something tonight. i stole two tobacco leaves. they were drying in a big barn. i've been eyeing them for about a month. i smoked a little bit of one. theyre not quite dry enough yet, but its amazing. i'm so excited to smoke my stolen local tobacco, once they finish drying in the closet.

a cry for help

how could you like me??
why now?
its true, you do know me too well.
you knew that i would not ever really stop being in love with you.
did you know that i am shaking right now?
i want to be with you so badly, but i can't. for a myriad of reasons.
that was a portland thing.
it wasn't supposed to leave portland!
how can it have come here?
why now?
am i over emily?
i don't know.
how do i find out?

i forgot just how this feels.


i love you.

kyle t randall

mojo shirt