the thing that bothers me most
i feel like emily tries to guilt trip me into doing things that should maybe be my duty if we were dating. this bothers me because i feel like i can't really confront her about them because she denies it vehemently.



a new topic:
i obsess
this is what i do
i am currently obsessing over emily
though i would like to stop
i just don't know how
a little help, please?

i have been working on new ways to do my blog, cause i'm not such a big fan of this standard format. so for the past week or so, i've been writing out blogposts on whatever sort of paper i have on hand. today i scanned them all in, and i will be posting old blogposts which are conveniently backdated.

hair for bear

a to-do list for wednesday, march 26, that won't, but needs to be done.

hem pants
apply at the brewery
go to library
talk to abuza bros property mgmt
shave
go to work at three thirty




same, but actually won't get done.

start psych project
do still-life
ponder life's many questions
think about black shoes




a follow up:
[what i actually did]

shaved
went to work at three thirty

blogpost for wednesday march twenty seventh at one forty four a.m.
a funny thing happened to me today. on the bus on the way to to school was emma, the quite very attractive girl from the kielbasa sisters. i wanted to talk to her because she was pretty and i was really impressed with the kielbasa sisters act. and cause i kinda fancied her. but i didn't cause i didn't have anything to talk to her about or a way to break into the conversation. i realized that she was talking to matt, the guy from amherst who i talked to on the bus earlier in the semester. after i got out of psych class, i went out to wait for the bus and matt and emma were hanging outside, just waiting for the bus, so i went over and said hi, and conversation started. i talked with them the whole bus ride home, and i don't know if i like emma so much anymore. something about her bothers me, but i cant figure out what.

i hate everything

i want to sit in my room and not talk to anybody forever. maybe i would let somebody in so that i could draw them, but they would have to leave after.

a transcription of a chat with sam

this is one thing i miss about portland


3:03:15 AM backdoorman31415: you still up?
3:03:17 AM itun3d (Autoreply): ripping up GarageBand

what else?
3:03:22 AM itun3d: yar
3:03:33 AM backdoorman31415: hows the composition?
3:03:38 AM itun3d: catchy
3:03:48 AM itun3d: simple 1 4 5 shit
3:03:51 AM itun3d: never fails
3:03:52 AM backdoorman31415: a world changing catchy?
3:04:06 AM itun3d: a genre defining catchy
3:04:25 AM backdoorman31415: a once in a lifetime catchy?
3:04:34 AM itun3d: hopefully not
3:04:47 AM backdoorman31415: a twice in a lifetime maybe?
3:04:55 AM itun3d: maybe.
3:05:21 AM backdoorman31415: gonna head out
3:05:28 AM itun3d: haha ok
3:05:28 AM backdoorman31415: i'm still at emily's
3:05:32 AM backdoorman31415: and pretty tired
3:05:32 AM itun3d: oh damn
3:05:43 AM backdoorman31415: but maybe i'll be on when i get home
3:05:54 AM itun3d: let's go to denny's
3:05:58 AM backdoorman31415: alright
3:06:09 AM itun3d: haha
3:06:16 AM backdoorman31415: i was serious
3:06:18 AM itun3d: same
3:06:28 AM itun3d: I didn't think you'd be down
3:06:31 AM backdoorman31415: i'll be there in 10
3:06:36 AM itun3d: haha niiice
3:06:40 AM backdoorman31415: peace
3:06:43 AM itun3d: see ya

in my dreams, my ankles and wrists are lashed to the corners of a four poster bed.

in my dreams, you always wear your boots.

one down, three to go

i tried to cut a track, but laid down the rhythm guitar and realized that i had a good solid 9 minutes worth of material for that one song. so i recorded a rough demo of the very first verse.

hrmm.

too bad my vocals suck.
i think i need a singer, cause my voice just aint cutting it.

bizarre, and often baffling.

or not at all. i have a fear of showing my art to people that are close to me. not my paper art, or even print art, record art, but my music, because that's what is really reflective of how i'm feeling all of the time.

tonight, i record.

sleep

i finished my art midterm- it was a garlic still-life. i finished it at 6 a.m. so tired.

i took a break from that around 3?ish [or maybe it was 4ish] to give myself a haircut. by the time i had finished my still-life my hair had dried and i had the cute white-boy fro from my sophomore year, so i put on emily's hat to sleep and that helped me get it under control.

i cant pay attention to psychology (that's where i am right now)


also, i think that i'm very silly.

fuck.

this is a mess. it really fucking is. i think this will be my last post on this blog.

circles, part two

drunk. this is consistent.

it seems like what i was trying to say when i wrote 'circles' didn't really come out. so i'm ready for round two.
i'm drunk and listening to abbey road. both of these are important.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••

i miss emily. a whole lot. it seems like this is the only thing thats been consistent since i've started this blog. sometimes i wonder if i do the things i do because of a inherent and unconscious need to be alone or unhappy.

[the thing about having a secret blog is that you can write whatever the fuck you want to and nobody will be affected by it. i would be fine knowing that one hundred thousand people read my blog every time i posted, as long as i didn't personally know or know of any of those one hundred thousand people. that would be a secret blog.]

i recently realized that maybe i wouldnt actually be any happier if i were with emily.

[isnt it funny how i can't stop writing about her? maybe i'm unconsciously trying to drown my existence with constant thoughts of her.]

maybe everything wouldn't be sunshine and flowers.

[i wonder about the dependability of my memory at this point]

was i ever happy when we were together?

was she?

am i obsessed?

[somebody tell me please]

i think there's one person who is reading this and understanding each and every word of it.

[but again, i could be wrong]
••
•••••••••••••••••••••••••

excuse me, i think i've got a heartache.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
•••••••••••

i worry that i'm dying.
i worry that the world is dying.


<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3


at this point, i'm a little unsure of why i put on abbey road. she's so heavy just came on, and that makes me wrong again.

also, i'd like to make a note. in the previous sentence, i had been planning to type "sad" or "confused" or "reassured that the world actually is really wicked dying."
i'm not quite sure how wrong ended up in there.

•*•*•*•*•*•

£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞£∞


as one final sidenote, i hung out with dan tonight, it didn't work, i'm going to see him tomorrow afternoon. i hope i don't end up disappointed, or hating him.

a poste script

out of college, money spent.
see no future, pay no rent.
all the money gone, no where to go.




i love abbey road
[ i think ]

circles

its funny how everything i do is so circular. i want ems.

can i tell a story?
the other night (the first night of getting drunk) i was at the basement and lacey showed up. she was ecstatic about seeing me. she kept saying that she missed me, and i kept not saying that i missed her. we danced for a while and she was kinda all over me, so i went to get a new beer, but realized that i had already spent too much money on alcohol (13 dollars) so i got this girl to buy me a drink (she was incredibly drunk and kept hitting on me). after she bought me a beer, we were talking, and then she forgot about me and went to talk to somebody else. it was good.
anyway, lacey said she wants to hang out. i don't really want to, but i invited her out the next night for more partying and she said she would call me and come and meet me at diva's. she didn't call and i didnt go to diva's. also, i kinda deleted her number from my phone a while ago, so i can't really call her at all (which is fine).
i hope she doesnt pop into my life again.

a backdated post

i made this post a really long time ago, and i liked it a whole lot. so i wanted to post it again.

pictures

pictures

i made these in december one night when i was stoned (maybe the last time i was)

whiny son of a bitch (thats ME!)

i'm hungry, i have a headache, my throat hurts so much i can hardly swallow a mouthful of water, and i know that when i go to bed, i won't be able to sleep.
times like these, i just want emily to hold me.



my illness, however painful, is nothing compared to viña's- she has a 101º fever. SO, i made her a card.



the inside says "i hope you don't tomorrow."
guess some of my hair ended up on the scanner.

it seems like i always have a whole lot of things to say. for example, tonight: i worry that if i don't type fast enough, i'll forget most of what i want to type before i can actually write it down. tahnk god for touch typing.


•drunk- i'm alittle bit wine drunk. i think i drank a whole lot of wine, but i really am not too sure.

•drinking problem- for the second night in a row, i spilled wine on my shirt. god damnit. (i don't remember what shirt last night, but my k.t. strasse and the pansy rockers shirt tonight. damn my clumsy drinking problem)

•keys- some stickers on bear's keyboard make it tactically a little bit wierd to type. she has stickers on the 3,8,w,i,p,[,x,c,. keys. hrmmmm.

.pants- i want to take my pants off. they are a little bit tighter than i want them to bee.

•dance- i really want to have a dance party to the boy with the arab strap, but sarah's roommate is here. i'm a little bit sad about that, cause i know i would be having a whole lot of fun dancing if she wasn't here.


•punctuation- i really enjoy punctuation. it's really nice. :) also, i want the leading on courier new to be a little bit tighter so that when i do a colon parentheses smiley face, its cuter.

•bullets- i really like using bullets, as i am doing right now. option 8 will get you there.

•http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjcH2UmK1uo

all we want to do is eat your brains.
we're not unreasonable, i mean, noones gonna eat your eyes.

•tired- i'm alittle bit tired, and i am having a harder time finding the right keys to spell words out.

•roommate- i'm a little bit unhappy with sarah's roommate. first she spent all of today sleeping in the room (so we couldnt be in here) and now she's just putting on a movie (with the sound on (at 12:10, when we are almost ready for bed)

•time- time to end this blogpost. goodnight all.

-k

a song

time for another irregular post:
i wrote a song a few days ago (monday). it was a happy song. it was the first time i've written a non-dismal song in, oh, say, six or eight months. it was good.

[posted from brooklyn, ny]

-k



time for more post: (cause i'm just not done yet)

ken holden (the guy who told me he was a manager of famous bands and recruiting agent for the music industry) pre-ordered two t-shirts today. that means i have to spend 9 dollars for a bag of xxl t-shirts, but he'll pay me 30 dollars for two ts. maybe i should start using american apparel shirts. higher quality? yes. hmm hmm. maybe in a month or two, after i sell a few shirts, and get things going. busy busy.


i arrived in new york this evening. sarahbear took me out to dinner and we had delicious indian food. two guys sat near us and we talked to them about being gay and appearing gay. it was moste definitely a laugh. they both thought i was gay, and that sarah was moste likely gay. hehehe.

anyway, i should probably go to bed. SO... goodnight, all.

-k